Terrified

It's hard to put into words the more challenging side of motherhood. Yet lately I've been feeling it more than ever.

The relentlesness. Sleeplesness. Feeling like someone's slave. Feeling impatient, angry, tired, hormonal. On the one hand wanting only the best for my daughter, wanting to be the very best mum for her. On the other, the reality that I am flawed and my perfect parenting moments are few and far between.

You wouldn't know from looking at my instagram or facebook feed, as I, like most mum's, tend to only post the good stuff. Of course, because who wants to see a selfie of my tear stained face at 4am, or a video of Ada screaming at the closed door while I'm vomiting over the toilet and wishing she'd leave me alone for one minute. None of that is glamorous, and none of it is too regular, but it's reality.

Not quite the whole truth

I am completely terrified of being a mum to two small children. I love my kids, but I am not one of those natural mum material types. I struggle not to be selfish, to give my all to my kids. Luckily one of them is still in utero, but the impacts on my body (regular vomiting, fatigue, HORMONES) are influencing how I parent Ada already.

It's not Ada's fault- sometimes I will handle her toddler behaviour with ease and grace, with boundaries and love. Other days I snap at her, cry in the kitchen and sneak chocolate when she's not looking. She is changing and growing and testing boundaries and it's all totally normal. It's my responses that change from day to day, and I don't think this is fair on her.

When thinking about the months ahead, about adding a baby to the mix, I am equal parts excited and terrified. How can I share my time and love fairly between two kids? How can I be the mum they both need? I don't know at this point.

So there's the reality. Parenting highs and parenting lows. I know I'm not the only mum to feel this way, and I know that 'this too, shall pass.'

30 + 3: We made it

Holla, I'm officially more pregnant than I've ever been! Can I get a whoop whoop!!

Ada was born at 30+2, and today I am 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant. This is it, the huge goal I have been gunning for this whole pregnancy. I am SO excited to be here. And sore...turns out being further along in pregnancy comes with all sorts of aches and pains ;)

Excited that the baby hasn't escaped

Yesterday, Ada's 'birth' day, was interesting. I did not feel as sad as I thought I might, but I did feel very nostalgic. I looked at photos of her birth day and imagined what baby boy looks like. Ada was so tiny and precious.

I think I am mostly at peace with what happened with Ada, and a big part of that is because she is totally fine now. Prematurity is not her defining feature any more. And so it seems, prematurity may not be the the defining feature of this pregnancy either.

Ada now

So far this pregnancy is going perfectly. Baby boy is growing well and I am showing no signs of illness. It was assumed at the start of my pregnancy that I would need a scheduled c-section at 37/38 weeks, but this is no longer the case. Of course it depends how things go in the coming weeks, but I may be able to actually have this baby in August when he's due (imagine!).

Every day now is a blessing. And every day I feel more and more 'normal.' I've started doing normal pregnant lady things like reading up on labouring skills, and going to breastfeeding classes. When I imagine baby boy's birth I now see the possibility of holding him, of feeding him, of skin to skin, of leaving the hospital together.

Who knows what the coming weeks may bring, and it is a distinct possibility I may develop pre-eclampsia at a later gestation. This possibility does not fill me with terror anymore, or consume my thoughts. We've made it further than we did with Ada, therefore I know I can handle whatever might come my way.

Thankyou to all my friends and family who have listened to me go on (and on and on) about my thoughts and feelings thus far in the pregnancy. Those who know me know I find talking things through so very helpful in processing things, and I appreciate your listening ears!

If I could celebrate with a glass of bubbles I would- instead I've bought 'gourmet' chocolate milk, I'll drink a glass to Ada and to my baby boy, who I'm so excited to meet... but not yet :)