The motherhood

Wow. Being a mum to a newborn baby is HARD ('amen' said all the other mothers.)

This is literally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Zapping all my energy, my resource and mostly my patience.

I am not the mother I want to be (she always smiles when the baby won't stop crying at 3am, picks the baby up and sings to her for an hour. She would never cry so hard in frustration that she loses a contact lens up the side of her eye. How unbecoming.)

I have a HUGE case of the motherhood guilts, which I picked up on the day she was born (I hear it's a common acquisition in the labour ward.)

The guilt for the start of her life, for not having her off the tube yet, the guilt for not knowing why she is crying and *not really caring and wishing she would go to sleep just for one hour oh please god.*

I am constantly second guessing myself and I never know if I am doing the right thing. In those moments I just repeat to myself, like a mantra 'she is alive, healthy and growing- you are doing the right thing.'

Being so tired my brain is too fuzzy to complete a sentence. Dreading the thought of another day and night of this. *I can't cope!!- oh wait, look at me I'm coping -"just"*

Wishing the days away till she sleeps and eats a little better and life gets a little colour again. But then, trying to treasure all her snuggly newborn-y-ness. I know it will be gone soon.

The two (yes TWO) trips back into NICU have given me a chance to sleep through the night, yet I always ended up feeling just as tired the next day. Stress about baby health will do that too you, even on a good 7 hour stretch of sleep. The trips also heaped on a pile of the guilts about if we had brought her home too soon. 

When she is in NICU, being at home seems so much easier. Yet at home, I long for the company of the nicu nurses who I can ask any question to, whose chatter means I don't feel alone, and the chance to get away for lunch, a walk, knowing someone else is watching her.

I feel so uneasy in my new role. Life is so different to when I was working, and had satisfaction of things achieved at the end of each day, of a job well done. Now, day to day I feel like I achieve little, nothing, and I do not have a sense of a job well done. Except when she smiles and gurgles at me. Then it's all worth it.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I realise this post is a muddle of incoherent thoughts *welcome to my brain!*

But this is me, my life right now. And it's hard, but I am thankful I am here, right now in the trenches, with my baby girl in my arms. A year ago we didn't know if this would ever happen. But here we are. And I wouldn't change it.

*cheesy pics from pinterest, and added to encourage myself and other mothers.

Bittersweet

Today is the day Baby A was due to be born. And I'm feeling very bittersweet about it all.

I could blame over tiredness for my heightened emotions I've had about this day, but I think I would have been feeling emotional, tired or not.

I've had a lot of 'what if's' going on in my mind. Reflecting on the last 10 weeks, and the weeks to come, and the challenges life brings with a pre-term baby.

I've had a few tears, a lump in my throat and a feeling of heaviness around this upcoming day for the past week.

Reflecting on the fact that I have a lot of fear around pregnancy now, which I will need to work through if we ever want to have another child (NOT anytime soon.)

Trying to banish any feelings of jealousy I have around all the wonderful pregnant ladies I know who are blooming as they reach full term.

Still wrestling with what to say when people ask how old she is. She is 10 weeks, but she is not a 10 week old baby if you know what I mean. How long will I have to 'explain' her age? When will I just be able to say it normally?

Struggling with the immune issues that prem babies have, meaning I sometimes feel 'trapped' at home. We can't go out with her for a few more weeks, and I just have to breathe through each day when I feel alone and panicked here.

Sometimes feeling like I would love more visitors- more people to talk to, and sometimes feeling like I want to hide away and not see anyone, or risk any germs being brought to our home.

I'm wondering what it would have been like to go through a 'normal' labour- in a way I avoided a lot of physical pain myself. But, of course, physical pain was swapped with emotional pain.

I wonder what Baby A would be like if she had gone to term. A lot bigger, and healthier, and able to feed well I bet. But still her cute self. In a way we get to have the 'newborn' stage for about 10 weeks extra which is nice. She is my tiny, helpless newborn for a lot longer than your average baby.

In a way I'm thankful for this journey, because it's made me stronger and shown me that Matt and I are strong as a couple. Sorry to be cheesy but it's true. I feel proud of us and proud of myself.

A lot of what if's and why's, but ultimately a big PHEW and sigh of relief that here we are 10 weeks later and she is ok. She will be fine. She is a little small, and will take her time catching up, but she is doing great. No ongoing sickness or disease from being born so early. She really is a perfect baby, who arrived a tad too soon.

Happy due date to my beautiful girl x