You see, the day after my birthday I started having another miscarriage Second time unlucky. Consecutive to the first one. This time slightly earlier than the first one, but the pain was so much more. Literal pain (the worst cramps I've ever had), but mostly the emotional pain. Something about two in a row feels more...sinister...than one. Like something is wrong. Like this is not normal. Like my body is malfunctioning. Like my body can't do a task woman were designed for.
It took me a lot longer for the 'cloud' to lift this time. Every day was a struggle. Lots of tears. A whole weekend spent in bed not moving, not even really thinking much. A lot of feeling sorry for myself and asking why.
We don't know if it was plain bad luck or if its something medical. They don't start testing you until after three miscarriages. I can't think about that. There is no point worrying about future pain. I can't say I'll never hit that kind of low again. But I am living in the here and now and enjoying this moment, where I feel calm and happy again and peaceful.
I'm happy that I am finally able to see the amazing things that are happening in my life. These things were happening, but were clouded by my low. Things like my amazing husband. Who doesn't like making cakes, but made me a delicious one for my family birthday celebration. Who gives flowers and lots of cuddles and speaks encouraging words to me.
Like my brother, who just turned 21, and looks super
Like my family, who I love seeing every second Sunday night. (It's crazy and chaotic, but I love it.)
Like friends who are so supportive, and happy just to have a coffee and spend time with me. Those conversations fill me up.
Like the fact that I get to see this view every morning, when I drive to work.
Like the fact that my research might be getting published. An amazing opportunity. For a while I didn't want to do it, but somewhere in my fog, my brain was with it enough to know I couldn't miss this chance.
Like the coming together of the annual SL interpreter conference myself and a friend are organising for next weekend. I'm super excited (and nervous) for it, but mostly excited to see old friends and catch up. It was really hard to muddle through with this the past few weeks, but now it's nearly here I'm so glad I carried on.
*****
I'm not going to end this blog post with something twee like 'everything will be alright.' We don't know that. But I know that I have faith and I am thankful to be able to feel joy again, right here and now.
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